Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
