it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm too high and old for this...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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