my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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