im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
