I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
