My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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