I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
