I met the friendliest cop last night
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
