I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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