I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Come on in and take your pants off
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