There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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