oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
