dude i'm inner monologue high
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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