Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
