I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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