There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
