I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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