K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
