Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
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