Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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