i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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