The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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