every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
