After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
