I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
