I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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