This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
