I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
