you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
