Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
