I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
