and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
