Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
