I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
