I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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