He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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