So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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