Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
