Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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