so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
