What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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