my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
