Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
zippers are such a cool invention
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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