I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
