I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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