Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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