My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
