Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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