he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
