I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Floor bacon is actually really good
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
