im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
